Boundaries for eaters: Clear is good.
Image: Judith met hoofd van Holofernes en zwaard, Barthel Beham, 1523, Rijksmuseum. Used with permission.
I got a request this morning in Body of Knowledge Weekly for information about boundaries. Important topic, especially from the point of view of food, eating and relationships.
Disclosure: Establishing and maintaining boundaries is the trickiest thing I’ve had to learn as an adult. I'm still learning. But here are my starting points, and I hope they are useful.
A boundary is NOT an attempt at control of another person. It’s not a threat or an ultimatum. It doesn't include shaming, guilt, bribery, blackmail, coercion of any kind or any other manipulative behavior.
A boundary IS an understanding, primarily with yourself, about how you're going to protect yourself and guard your interests.
A boundary IS really just a statement of your own desires and intent. It's a preference, and a plan for self-care.
A basic boundary formulation goes like this:
If X happens, I will do Y [to keep my self / children / property safe].
Examples of boundary statements
If you take my phone without asking, I will hide it. << Doesn't say "YOU CANNOT TAKE MY PHONE!!! EVER AGAIN!!!!" Because of course they can. But now you have a plan, and they know what it is. All of this can be done without raising one's voice or blood pressure. (Eventually.)
You can sleep with anybody you want! But if you do, I will leave you on that day. << Doesn't beg or plead. Doesn't bargain or cajole. Doesn't pretend they don't have a choice. Just states what your position is, because it's legit and needs no defense, same as theirs.
Examples of boundaries for eaters with eating issues
Totally cool for you to make this elaborate four-course dinner that will be ready at 9:30! I'll be eating at 8 PM so that I can get enough sleep to be ready for work tomorrow. << NB: Stating your reason is OPTIONAL.
You can have ribs and bread pudding for dinner, no problem! I will be fixing myself something lighter, like beans and rice.
You can offer me this so-called cookie "salad", sis, but if you do it more than once I shall require you to hear about my annoyance. << Uppity language optional but terribly amusing!
OBVIOUSLY all of this is much more casually explained to you than said to them as need the dang boundary. But I can promise you it gets easier.
And you can start practicing with yourself. The fact is, you never have to make an out-loud boundary announcement unless you want to. You can just enforce them. Kid take your phone? Smile and lock it up.
Thoughts? Feel free to comment.